So I haven't been avoiding the blog. I just don't really feel like the Lord has laid anything specific on my heart to write about. I've said this before and I'll say it again- I will NOT just fill space on this blog. I won't publish fluff just to increase my page hits or my reads. I know God didn't call me to fill the world wide web with random stuff. There are people he did call to do that, and they do it very well and they are serving the purpose he set out before them. I am not one of those people.
I'm learning a big lesson right now. It's kind of two fold. I'm pretty sure there will ALWAYS be opportunity for God to teach me lessons on patience. It's a virtue I lack. I feel as if it's a strand of my DNA that is missing or something. I am just not a patient person. I want to run when I should walk. I want to walk when I should crawl. And standing still is nearly unheard of. Almost impossible. I'm learning about not rushing the Holy Spirit. My parents started attending church when I was 2. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 5. I was in the Church every time the doors were open. I was there even when they weren't because both of my parents had keys to the building. One of my favorite games to play as a child was Church secretary. My parents were both very involved in our Church ministries. They set an example that I started following at an early age. Ministry and being involved in ministries is as much a part of my DNA as patience is not. I have a hard time sitting in a pew. I have a hard time being a spectator. I have a hard time not feeling used in ways that exercise my talents and abilities best. God gave me a calling- a purpose- and when I don't feel like I'm fulfilling that calling, I get restless. When Aaron and I came to the realization that we needed to focus our time and energy on healing our marriage, we stepped back from most of the ministries we were involved in. It was the absolute right decision for us. We were not giving each other, our children, or our ministries the best of us. Something had to give, and if we'd continued in ministry, it would have been our marriage. Now that we're on the road to healing, and God has proven himself faithful to us as we learn to love each other again in a Christlike way, I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling restless. It's time for me to crawl and I just want to walk. Quickly. I know that what Aaron and I have been through is something that God is going to use. When God redeems, He redeems. He will use our story and I pray that other people will hear it and can experience the same redemption that we have- personally and in their marriage. BUT. I can't rush that. I need to turn off my voice that's telling me to run headlong into that and make sure that I'm listening to the direction of the Holy Spirit. God could have created the universe and everything in it with one word, but he took 6 days. God could have created the ark for Noah in a minute, but it took Noah over 100 years of work. David was anointed by Samuel as king years before he actually became king. The world waited for a Messiah for thousands of years. Jesus wasn't born and immediately died for our sins, he waited and grew a ministry. Insert lesson on patience. The point? Even though we know there is a plan and a purpose, we have to be ready to carry out that plan and purpose. Running when we should walk, and even walking when we shouldn't be going anywhere can do more harm than good. Rushing the work of the Holy Spirit in ourselves and trying to force that on others can have the opposite effect of what God intended. As much as I want God to use me and use our story, I want it to be in the way he intended it. Is there something that you're rushing today? Try and figure out if the voice you're hearing is your voice of impatience or actually the leading of the Holy Spirit. Rushing the hand of God in your life and in others lives can do more harm than good! Trust in God's timing even if it means you wait!
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Yay!! It's Thanksgiving week! I love the holidays! And I love that my meal plan for this week was rather short. I planned Mon- Wed and that's it. I did my grocery shopping last week, so I most of what I'm cooking this week is from the pantry. As usual, recipes are linked to my recipes page. Monday- Chicken N Biscuits. Easy peasy. And my kids eat them. Tuesday- Spaghetti. Don't really need much explination for this. Wednesday- French Onion Burgers. Always a favorite in our house. Thursday of course is Thanksgiving, which we're celebrating with Hubs family. I'm making cheesecake for that. Friday I didn't plan anything. Not sure what the plans are for this day yet so we'll probably just order in or eat out. And Saturday is Hubs 30th birthday celebration dinner! Some people know this about me, but if you don't, I'll put it out there. Music is a big thing for me. I played a few instruments (not well) in jr. high and high school and I'm not musically inclined in the way of acutally playing it. I love to sing and that's about all I do. But I listen to music constantly. I listen to all types of it. Normally, I wake up in the morning, feed my kids breakfast and music goes on. Sometimes it's on all day. It wouldn't be uncommon to find the girls and I having a dance party in our kitchen on any given day. Over the last few days there's been one song in particular that I find myself listening to more often than most others. Sometimes on repeat. I wanted to share it with you today in hopes that maybe it would bless you as much as it has blessed me. I wanted to see if I could find the music video, and there wasn't one. I'm not going to upload just the song, so you'll get the lyrics instead. Which is the important part anyways.... Times by Tenth Avenue North
I purposely listed the lyrics in 2 columns because I wanted you to be able to see how the song is written. It's written as a call out to God. It's someone reaching out to God and God's response to that person. I believe 100% that the Bible is God's written word to us. But I also believe that God has blessed some very talented song writers and speaks through them as well. I know He's been using this song to speak to me almost hourly the last few days! I hope that maybe sometimes the truth of this song will bless you too! Lyrics posted here. An end to another week. I'm actually pretty excited about next week starting. I enjoy the holiday season so much. I'm excited to spend Thanksgiving with family and kick off the Christmas season. And, to be honest, I'm pretty excited about Black Friday Shopping. Last year I headed out at 8pm and got home sometime around 8 am. But I loved every minute of it. I love shopping. And I think it's a great opportunity to #1 save some money on Christmas shopping, but #2 Be a good Christlike example in a situation where we hear so much about fighting and arguing and so on. I saw this pin on pinterest and I had to chuckle... Let it be known that I've never trampled anyone for a sale! Pinned here. Well, onto the Top 5 for this week... 1. Number 1 has to be Emmy's Thanksgiving program. She did such a good job singing and I was super impressed with her teacher being able to get her to actually put face paint and a feathered headband on! 2. My living room is painted! I love it. It's such a nice change. It really does feel like a totally different space. 3. Last night the girls and I made biscuit pizzas for dinner. It wasn't on the menu until today, but it just sounded good last night. I realized as I was pulling all the ingredients out of the fridge that I had very little mozzarella cheese. Oh well, we used cheddar and american instead and they were still great. 4. Due to the pink eye that's been making it's way through our house, I've been able to spend lots of time at home with the girls this week. Emmy didn't go to school on Tuesday so we've had 3 whole days of hangout time. It is safe to say that I no longer have a baby. Macie is now fully toddler and she surprises me every day with her growing awareness. I've convinced she's known how to talk for a long time, she just decided not to until about a month ago. And Emmy's imagination is so active she cracks me up. My girls are definitely the best 2 daily companions. It makes me sad to think that some day very soon I won't have this time with them.
5. This one is going to be somewhat abstract... but I'm thankful for change. Even if it's hard. It's a continual reminder that I'm alive and God has given me another day. The last few weeks have been difficult, but God is faithful. And I know that in a perfect world situations and circumstances could be changed with the snap of a finger. But, if that were the case every time, we'd never learn things about God, ourselves, and each other. Have a good weekend! We're in the process of redoing our living room. It's going to be a very S-L-O-W process. We just painted it from a cream color to a nice new color called Swanky Grey. I love the color. I just don't like that my furniture doesn't match the color and I don't have the perfect stuff to hang on my walls. We're planning on putting some new furniture in layaway and paying on it as we can with hopes that sometime in 2013 we'll be able to enjoy new furniture! As for the perfect stuff to hang on the walls, well, that'll take some time too. I'm having a hard time coming up with a "vision" for this room.
For those who know me well, you know that I don't exercise the virtue of patience well or often. I'd say it's honestly probably one of my biggest struggles. And it's funny how it affects every area of my life. Ususally people think of patience having to do with a traffic back up or waiting for a birthday or holiday to come. But for me, it directly affects my level of contentment. I've struggled with feeling that what I want and what I think my family should have hasn't come fast enough or at all; therefore, destroying my contentedness. Which in turn, has allowed me to justify my anger and resentment. My living room as become and outward picture of my life. Or at least it will be. I will choose to be content with slow progress or no progress at all. I'll be content with change as it happens, not as I make it happen. And I will choose to be content with my circumstances and surrroundings even if they don't match as I think they should. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. - 2 Corinthians 10:5
The last few weeks have been filled with mental chaos. A brain filled with a lot of "white noise". Infact, if you were to open my journal, you would see where I've repeatedly asked God to quiet the background noise I feel like I can't get rid of. My emotions are like a sea during a storm and my brain is absorbing the raging winds and crashing waves. And in the middle of all the crazy, these little stabbing pain filled stinging thoughts jump out. *sad thought* Me: Really God? Can't these just stop? *random thought* Me: I'm doing it again. Help me out. *painful thought* Me: Ok, that's just enough. Enough. Enough. Enough. Over the last days, I've come to realize more than ever the battle that plays our in our heads. And hearts. I've learned the importance of being earnest. The importance of taking each and every thought and submitting it to God. Asking for God's truth instead of what my heart wants. Asking for God's guidance instead of following where my emotions are leading me. Honestly, and pardon my frankness, sometimes it sucks! Sometimes I want to sit in my self pity, my hurt, my anger. I don't want God's truth or direction. Infact, doing just that got me to exactly where I am. Sometimes I wonder exactly how frustrated God is with me. I know if I were God (thank heaven I'm not!) I would probably have zapped myself with lightning a dozen or two years ago. The truth is, God answers my hail mary prayers. He answers those cries of frustration and anger and pain. Not only does He answer them- He WANTS them. What?! Yep, I typed that right. God wants those things. He wants us to give those thoughts to Him because He CAN quiet the noise. He CAN ease the pain. He CAN speak His calming truth into my heart. Really the only question I need to answer is... will I let Him? It's been a while. A long while.
The truth is sin consumes. It consumes your your mind, your strength, your engergy, your time. I've been consumed. And I didn't want to take the time to put truth out there through this blog because #1 I wasn't believing it myself and #2 I wasn't living it. I could sin, but I would not be a hypocrite. Funny how even though you have good intentions, it doesn't always happen that way. The Lord is redeeming me. My marriage. My children. My life. I would like to share that redemption with you. Some of it. Someday I will be able to lay out my story for you candidly. My goal has been to always be open and honest with you through this blog and I will aim to continue that and be transparent as possible but protect the hearts of those whom I love. Today is supposed to be My Favorites Friday, but quite frankly, this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. For those of you who have followed my blog for a while and have read My Wilderness Story, you might be hard pressed to believe me. But I am in the desert again. No, that's not true- I'm actually standing in my kitchen. But, my soul has been dry. There will be no favorites this Friday. But there will be brokeness. There will be forgivness. There will be healing. And there will be redemption. I hope you will stick with me through this time. I'll be here on Monday and I hope you will be too! This week was a big week in the Wainscott house! Emmy started preschool! We've been preparing for this for what's seemed like weeks and the day finally came. We walked into the building with her gigantic backpack and her perfectly packed lunch. I was holding back tears, trying to stay strong, and reminding myself that this step of independence doesn't mean she loves me or needs me any less. We hung her backpack on her hook, I snapped a quick picture then I dropped her at the door and she ran off. I called her back for a kiss. She obliged quickly then ran back to her new fun classroom, full of colorful attention grabbing things.
I know I'm jumping ahead a lot of years and she's got plenty of independence to discover, but I've got no idea how I'm going to pack her up and move her to college. She's in preschool for 4 hours 2 days a week, and I'm not going to lie- there was a hole. Even heading into day #2, I'm still getting a little choked up just typing this. I miss my big girl when she's not here. Yesterday was an off day. She was here with me and heading into the day I was thankful for a day for us to just hang out around the house. And about 2 hours into it, I realized that my 3 yr old was still my 3yr old, just a 3 yr old that goes to preschool. And she pushed every single button I've got. She tried to rechalk every boundary we've ever set. She stubbornly stood her little ground until I'm sure she didn't even remember what she was being stubborn about. And finally, I lost it. I made a mistake. Out of anger, I was too harsh with her and immediately felt that stab of mommy guilt. Of sinners guilt. It's humbling when you have to apologize to a 3 yr old. And it made my hurting heart melt all the more when through tears she said... "It's ok, mommy" and I knew she meant it. I'm so thankful God doesn't deal with me the way that I deal with my kids. I'm sure he would have squashed me like a fly on a windshield by now. And I'm thankful for grace, because without it, I would absolutely have to live with that mommy guilt and pain forever. And I'm thankful for a 3 yr old that is willing to set her little injured heart aside and put blind trust in me again, even though I feel so unworthy of it. Thank you, Lord of the blessing you've given me in my children. I pray that I would seek you constantly and immediately and that your Holy Spirit would interupt my sinful human dealings and frustrations with them. Give me your eyes to see them when I can't see past the *BIG* personalities you've given them. Make me more like you so I can help them be more like you. I wasn't absolutely dreading this AM's weigh in because I knew I'd lost so much water weight over the last few days. But, I was suprised when I stepped on the scale and it said -3. That's the lowest I've been since I started this whole process. And it's 10 lbs lost since Sunday. Obviously, a lot of that is water weight, but still. My run last night was pretty good. I started off really strong. I got new running shoes which made a huge difference. I was going pretty strong with the 1:30 run then 1:30 walk. I was able to do that until about the 22 min mark. Then I went to 1 min/1 min. I did one cycle like that and went back to the 1:30/1:30. I'm pretty pleased because that's almost exactly where I left off 3 weeks ago. Tomorrow I'll do all 1:30/1:30, and then hopefully on Sat and I can 1:30/1. Then next week I can start the 2min/1min. This is going to get deep for a min so hang with me... I've realized over the last few years that I'm a people pleaser. It's not that I haven't always known that, but until recently, I didn't realize the depth of it. I'm so concerned about letting people down that I normally quit half way or just don't do it (whatever IT is) to begin with. Prime example.... I've been so nervous about not being able to finish the 5k. And I know, in reality, even if I have to walk it all, I'll finish. BUT, I'm training to run it, not walk it. And I just feel like people would be so dissapointed if I didn't run it. And I started stressing about that, so I started making excuses and just stopped training all together. Then I got stressed out because I was behind and now it's crunch time and I really may not be ready. Last night as I was running I was thinking about all the people who would be proud to know I was at it again, but I had to stop myself and ask who I was doing this for. And the honest answer is, I don't really know. Yeah, I'll be happy when I'm skinny and healthy and can do things I haven't been able to do in a while and God calls us to be healthy and live physically in a Christlike way, but is that my true motivation or am I doing this because I want people to be proud of me and approve of me? Pinned Here.
But it's about the paint. We heard these words over and over again while taking part in the Refresh Project, 2012 in Toronto. Aaron, myself, 2 other adult sponsors, and 5 teens from our church packed up and loaded up with 100 others from the Indianapolis area and headed to Canada. 12 hours later we met up with another 250 people (from MI, IL, WI, and other parts of IN) to take part in a week long mission trip. We were there working with Emmanuel Nazarene Church and thier community center, Ephriam's Place. For the sake of keeping this post from being extra long, I'll just tell you to head to thier website and read the story about how Ephriam's Place got started.
Below is just a recap of the painting we did. I'll do another post on Wed about all the awesome things God did and showed me while we were there. I put pictures at the bottom of the post. We arrived on Sun night. We headed straight to the church where we got a basic rundown of what we'd be doing. After leaving the church we checked into our hotel and rested up for the next day. We had no idea what was in store. Monday, we headed to our site which was about 45 mins from our hotel. We were in the city of Missisagua just outside of Toronto. We joined with 2 other churches that had smaller groups of kids, and between our churches, we had enough kids to create a girls group of 9 and a guys group of 7.. Our girls group (GG for times sake) was one of the last groups to be assigned to a unit. The boys group (BG) had a unit and got painting right away. Our workday was supposed to be from 9-4. At 10:30 we finally got into a unit and started painting. There ended up being about 23 people in a small apartment. We had the opportunity to work with another group of students that were part of the boys and girls club of Toronto. After we painted, we cleaned up at the hotel and headed to the church for dinner and a service. They provided Jamaican food for us. It was actually really good! After the service we went to Walmart so the kids could pick up some snacks. Tuesday we headed back to the same sight but we painted down the street at some townhouses. We painted the living room, kitchen, 2 flights of stairs, 2 hallways, and 1 bathroom. The family had a little boy named Enrique. We enjoyed playing with him while we painted! After showering at the hotel we went to a local mall called Vaughn Mills. The kids had the opportunity to shop while the adults sat and ate at a really nice restaurant. We went back to the hotel and played some games before bed. Wednesday we were back at the apartments. We worked with a nice man from Pakistan, Haza. We painted his kitchen, dining room, living room, entry way, hallway, 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, and 4 closets. It was basically every wall in his house. He fixed us a very good (and VERY spicy) chicken and rice dish. We enjoyed painting for him. He even gave us ice cream when we were done! We had the opportunity to work with a few of the boys and girls club members again and one of the members of the worship team from Olivet on Wed. Later that night we headed back to the church for dinner and a service. We had Korean food for dinner. YUM! It was really good! After the service we headed back to Walmart for another snack run. Thursday we (GG) worked in a townhouse again. The site leaders approached us on Wed and asked if we'd be willing to paint in a townhouse that had some special circumstances. The family that lived there included a 12 yr old autistic boy and they were sure exactly how the envoirment would be. We agree to paint it and headed out on Thurs morning. We got into the house and were overwhelmed with the smell and condition of the house. Dirty would be an understatment. But, we got to work! We painted the kitchen, living room, 3 hallways, 1 flight of stairs, 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. By this time we'd really gotten into a rythm and we were able to finish by 2:30. We had the opportunity to paint with some of the BG on Thursday, which we hadn't done all week. After cleaning up we headed back to Vaughn Mills Mall. The kids enjoyed shopping again. After that we headed back to the hotel and played some cards! Friday was our free day. Kinda. We got to sleep in and headed to our site for a BBQ. We helped load up all the supplies we used throughout the week and then headed to the church. We had a debriefing and then headed into downtown Toronto for a Toronto Blue Jays game. The baseball game was totally unimpressive but being there was fun! We got back pretty late from that and tried to get as much packed as we could. Saturday morning we loaded up and hit the road about 8:30. We made it home in almost exactly 12 hours! Well, we made it home from Toronto on Saturday around 8:30. It was an awesome trip and I hope to do a recap post tomorrow. It's been a challange getting my brain back into "home" mode. I feel like I forgot how to do things! We have a busy next few weeks coming up so yesterday I sat down and did our weekly menu and calendar, but also one for the rest of the month. I keep things written down in my planner, but that still in a suitcase somewhere. My folks left enough frozen meat in the freezer and fruit and veggies in my fridge that I don't have to buy any major groceries this week. I did pick up some bread, milk, and eggs for this week though. Monday- Brats Tuesday- Chicken Pot Pie Wednesday- Sandwiches Thursday- Sausage and cheese omlettes Friday- Shepherds Pie Saturday- eating out Sunday- Crockpot BBQ chicken On another note, our financial landscape has changed. Aaron and I started discussing 2 weeks ago giving up our truck. We were already far enough behind on our payments that it was close to repossesion. We've been in this place before and had discussed it with our loan company then, so we knew the process. We had a lengthy conversation, prayed a lot, and weighed the pros and cons and decided that, even with the downsides of reposession, we'd be in a better place in the long run. They came and got it last week while we were in Toronto.
In the tone of honesty that I value on this blog, I decided to share this with you guys. Some of you know me personally and would probably eventually ask me where the truck was anyways, but those of you that don't personally know me, I want you to know that this is real life. Stuff happens. We get behind on our bills. We struggle. Being a Christian doesn't mean that things aren't hard. Could we have managed our money better? Yes, definitely. Aaron and I made A LOT of mistakes early on in our marriage and now we're paying for them. Hindsight is always 20/20. I've done my fair share of "rescue praying" but there are consequences to every action. But, with that being said, realize that everyone you come into contact with has things happening in thier life that you know nothing about. Our financial struggles have taught me that you just never know. The mom's I see in Target that I assume are so put together could be the complete opposite. I've tried to live in a way that no one would assume things really were the way they were. If there was anything I learned this last week in Canada, it's that if you're going to live Christlike, then you MUST see people the way God sees them. If you don't, then you're opinion/judgement/perception of them is jaded by your own sinful assumptions. |
HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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